so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
