I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
