There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
