There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
