I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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