My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
