FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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