i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I wish my penis had an off switch
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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