he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
