even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
this hospital has no fireball
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
