Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
