I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
