how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
