woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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