I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
