I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
