i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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