They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
