there's paper in my vomit.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
