I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
