Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
