I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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