i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
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And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
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Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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