I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
