Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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