the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
