I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
this is an emotional support booty call
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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