sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
