tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
