She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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