At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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