he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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