I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Randomize
