dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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