I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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