The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i dont even know how to be here
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
