I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
