i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
