apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
