my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
