I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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