# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
