he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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