so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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