I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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