the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
