i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
