just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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