the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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