if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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