Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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