so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
