Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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