You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
