At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
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Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
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My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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