I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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