I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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