There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
