also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
