Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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