Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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