So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
